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fufaraw
NINE
Afternoon sun streamed through the windows of Jared's bedroom. A long run in the pre-dawn before breakfast, and then a couple of hours in the weight room had left them both pleasantly tired. They'd taken their time over lunch, and then Jared had bribed Jensen into showering together with the promise of a blowjob. It had been one of his best to date, Jared thought with some pride. White suds and cascading water sliding off shoulders rounded with muscle, off biceps and solid pecs and abs and a glorious ass, off skin freckled by sun and paler unmarked places the sun never touched was inspiration even beyond what he'd dreamed of, until now. He licked the remnants of Jensen's come from the corner of his lips and grinned up into eyes gone half-mast and sated, and stood to support his lover on knees gone soft while he rinsed off the last of the soap. He toweled a pliant Jensen dry and led him unresisting to Jared's big bed, freshly made with ludicrously high thread-count white Egyptian cotton sheets and a pile of pillows. Green eyes blinked up at him sleepily, and Jared leaned down and planted a quick kiss on soft lips before slipping beneath the covers himself, and spooning up behind Jensen. In moments, soft snores told him Jensen was asleep. A few more minutes later Jared followed him.
He woke first, to sunlight striping the bedclothes and lending a glow to the skin that wasn't covered. He pulled the covers down and gazed at Jensen in a way he'd not had the chance to do before now. There was nothing about him that wasn't beautiful, wasn't perfect. Jared's gaze traveled up the strong legs, the flat stomach and perfectly proportioned chest, the collarbones he wanted to lick and savor, the column of neck to--a pair of eyes that were open and gazing back at him.
"Hi."
"Hi, yourself. Sleep well?"
"Mmm." Jensen stretched and started to ask, "You?" but the word ended in a squeak as Jared stroked a broad palm down Jensen's front and closed around his dick. Alive, it responded instantly, swelling and hardening, and Jensen gasped and his hips bucked toward the pleasure-giving hand. "Jared!"
"Shhh," Jared grinned. "Or if you're gonna talk, tell me what feels good. Tell me what you want."
He was rewarded with a blush that rose from Jensen's chest to his face, and receded again. Jensen humped his hand a little, eyes closed. "That," he said in a rough whisper. "That feels..."
"Good?"
"Amazing," Jensen admitted.
Jared grinned even wider, shifted lower in the bed and took that pretty cock in his mouth. He lavished it with his tongue, nipping and nibbling gently. While Jensen writhed and bucked, lost in sensation, Jared reached for the lube he'd stashed within easy reach. The click of the cap was loud in the room but he wasn't sure Jensen had heard it. He slicked the fingers of his right hand, and while he held the base of Jensen's dick in his left hand and sucked and licked and nibbled, the first finger of his right hand rubbed at Jensen's entrance, pressing gently at the wrinkled skin until it relaxed enough for him to press inside, up to the first knuckle, then the second. He moved the finger in and out, then added a second, twisting his hand a little as he pressed in, scissoring the fingers to press at the tight walls. Feeling the muscles relax a little, he pulled out, added more lube, then pressed in with three fingers, twisting and scissoring, while his thumb pressed at Jensen's perineum and stroked the back of his sac. Jared found Jensen's prostate, and rubbing gently produced the expected physical reaction. Jensen gasped and shuddered.
"Like that, baby?" Jared let Jensen's cock slip from his mouth, stroking again at the responsive spot. Jensen didn't answer, but Jared read his physical reactions and judged him ready. He pushed another pillow under his hips and knelt up behind Jensen, slicking his cock and pushing in. He wanted to bury himself in that tight heat, he wanted to pull out and slam back in, hard. He'd waited for this, been patient, taken his time, made every effort to accustom Jensen to his touch, his presence. Jared felt he'd earned the reward of fucking into his ceiver and claiming him, forcefully, undeniably. But sense prevailed. This was for the long haul. He didn't want to claim just Jensen's body, but his heart as well. He wanted--he wanted a lover, a partner, not just a breeder.
He ran a hand up Jensen's bowed back, feeling the sweat that had broken on his skin. His hand closed gently on Jensen's nape and squeezed, a quick gesture of affection, then he reached underneath him, tucking Jensen's smaller form into the curve of Jared's own body as he rocked gently into him. Jared's hand moved to Jensen's cock, finding it had gone limp and disinterested. He gave a couple of experimental pulls but it didn't respond. Never mind. They would work on that later.
He pulled out partway, feeling the walls of Jensen's channel pull at him, reluctant to let him go, and he pushed back in with a groan. "So hot. So perfect for me, Jensen. You feel so good," he murmured into the hair behind Jensen's ear. His hips pistoned, pushing in as far as he could go before pulling out and doing it again, again--
With a groan, he came inside Jensen, shattering intensity that began to fade as soon as he was done. He rolled onto his side, taking Jensen with him, holding him close, petting his hair, his skin, murmuring words of love and praise as he nosed at his neck, the skin behind his ear. "So good, Jen. So perfect, so beautiful for me." He kissed as far as he could reach, but Jensen didn't turn to accept the kisses. He turned into the pillow, hiding his face from Jared.
Jared's hand slipped down the sweat-slicked belly to take Jensen's cock in hand, to reward him by bringing him off. Jensen rolled away, onto his stomach so that Jared couldn't reach his cock. "Don't."
TEN
The thirty day "acclimation" period--or as Jared thought of it, their "honeymoon"-- was approaching its end. Jared was making plans to go back to work, at least half-days, on Monday. On the Thursday before, there was a huge delivery of groceries, and Marta was suddenly busy in the kitchen unpacking and organizing things.
"What's going on?" Jensen asked as he and Jared lounged by the pool.
"It's your party, Jen!" Jared grinned. "Time to introduce you to the family. Everybody's coming on Saturday. They're all dying to meet you. I could hardly keep them away the last month, but the custom is to let us have that time alone together." Jared glanced at Jensen, expecting him to be eager for information about the party. He must be getting bored, having seen nobody but Jared and Marta for the last few weeks. Instead, his ceiver's face was unexpectedly blank of expression, and pale. "Jensen, what's wrong?"
Jensen didn't answer, but scrambled up off the lounger and headed toward the house. Concerned, Jared hurried after him, reaching him by the time Jensen was on the stairs. He caught his arm, and turned Jensen to face him. "What is it?"
Jensen didn't meet his eyes, wouldn't look at him. He didn't struggle against Jared's grip, but he did say in a voice that was low and shook with--what? Fear? Anger? "Let me go."
Jared wasn't inclined to grant that request. He shook Jensen gently. "Just tell me what's wrong."
He was trembling now, and pulled against Jared's grip. "Jared please. Just let me go. I'm going to be sick." When Jared opened his hand Jensen spun and practically flew up the stairs, and Jared was right behind him. Jensen ran into, not the en-suite of the room they'd been sharing the past few nights, but the room he'd thought of as his own. As Jared reached the doorway, Jensen bent and retched into the toilet. Jared took the step necessary to put a hand on Jensen, rubbing his back in an attempt to comfort.
"What is it, man? Something you ate at lunch?"
Jensen flushed the toilet, turned to the sink and ran the faucet, rinsed his mouth, splashed his face. He didn't meet Jared's eyes in the mirror, nor did he look at him as he brushed past him to leave the bathroom. "Yeah. Must'a been."
Then Jared got it. "It's not something you ate. This is about the party."
Jensen flushed, and started toward the hall, but Jared was faster and caught him by the arm again. "Jensen." He still refused to meet Jared's eyes, so he caught Jensen's chin and raised his face. Jensen's eyes stubbornly avoided his gaze. "Look at me."
The green gaze skittered across his countenance, but still didn't connect with Jared's. He wrapped an arm about Jensen's waist and pulled him down to sit beside him on the edge of the bed, touching at the shoulders, all along their sides, hips, thighs, calves. Jared snugged him in, hoping touch would ground Jensen, ease whatever craziness was running through Jensen's mind, making him tremble and shake. "Jensen. It's just family. They want to meet you, want to welcome you as my partner, the newest member of the Padalecki clan. It's an honor, and I want to show you off."
A shudder went through Jensen, and Jared could feel him convulse. He looked like he might retch again. Jared sighed. "I can't help you unless you tell me."
He waited. Jensen knew Jared could wait him out. He wasn't letting him go till he spoke. His voice struggled for steadiness, for clarity.
"I'm not family, Jared. I'm the prize mare, bloodstock." Jared was shocked enough that his arm loosened, and Jensen slid away, stood. He didn't leave, though, didn't go anywhere. Just stood facing the window with an unfocused stare. "I'm just on lease from Repro, and your family's curious. They want to see the dam who'll be dropping the progeny you sire."
Jared shook his head, argument automatic on his lips, but the words didn't form, and Jensen finally met his gaze, cutting his eyes to the side under his lashes, sharp and piercing and daring Jared to disagree. When Jared hesitated, trying to marshal his argument, Jensen snapped a nod, one single nod, and wandered over to the window to gaze down at the pool. "It's understandable. They want to get a notion of what the grandkids and nephews and nieces will look like--your height, my eyes, your hair, my freckles." He snorted a laugh that sounded like a knife in his throat. "Does Repro hand out scorecards, I wonder? Points for each trait? Blue eyes worth more than brown? Tall genes worth more than round ones?" A smile that chilled Jared's heart distorted Jensen's features. "You should have some pretty pups, Jared. I know I'm not ugly, by any means. I should score pretty high. Your family should be pleased."
Jared couldn't stand it any more. He crossed the room and put his hands on his ceiver's shoulders, his face next to Jensen's, stepped up to snug his body against that rigid back. "Jensen, Jensen, no. They want to meet you. I've talked to them on the phone, I've told them about you, about us, how happy you've made me. They want to love you, they want to welcome you, to take you in and accept you. They're happy for me. They're happy for us, and they want to share our happiness."
Jensen didn't answer, didn't move. Jared could detect a little relaxation of the rigidity, but was aware that was probably just response to his physical nearness. Whatever, he would take it. He nuzzled Jensen's neck, and used the news he was sure would make Jensen happier.
"I asked your family to come--"
With a shocked cry, Jensen tore himself out of Jared's embrace. "NO!"
"What? Jensen?"
His ceiver was pacing now, frantic. "No, you have to stop them, they can't come, they can't. They can't see me. No, no no no."
"Jensen, wait. Stop." He grabbed for Jensen's wrist, but the other man jerked away and kept pacing.
"Tell them no. Tell them you made a mistake," He demanded, stopping finally, and staring straight at Jared.
"Jensen, you're being silly. They want to see you. They've been concerned about you. Man, they're your family, they love you. They were overjoyed to be invited. Chris and Jason and--"
Jensen spun toward the bathroom, and Jared heard him retching again. He didn't follow. How had everything fallen apart so quickly and completely? He had no idea how to navigate this emotional storm with Jensen.
"Jensen?" he called, deciding not to pursue, but wait until Jensen returned. It was only moments before he heard the toilet flush and the faucet run for a few seconds. Jensen leaned against the doorjamb. "Jesus, Jared. What were you thinking?"
"I was thinking that your family and friends miss you. They're concerned about you, they want to see you. I'm not keeping you in solitary here. You're allowed to see them when they come to visit. We can even visit them. It's not like you--"
"Yeah." Jensen's voice cut him off. "Yeah. It's exactly that. My life is over, Jared. The life I had? Gone. Family? Friends? Belong to that Jensen, the one who played football and went to college and played in a band and got in the car and traveled around whenever he felt like it, fucked girls, got drunk on weekends and got high with his friends, had a career and a chance at fifty years of marriage. That Jensen? Gone. Dead, or might as well be. It's not me, not any more. And they need to know that and get used to it, get over it and move on. Call 'em back and disinvite them, and tell them I love them, I'll always love them, and I'm sorry, okay?"
Jared was too shaken to find a reply. Jensen walked past him, heading toward the hall. "Put a lead on me and show me off at the party, let your family and friends get a good look. I won't fight it. But not the rest. I can't."
He had let Jensen leave the room, given him a little space. A half-hour later he found him standing by the slider looking out at the back yard. He walked up behind Jensen, leaned against his back and pecked a soft kiss against the side of his neck. He was gratified and pleased that Jensen tilted his head a little to offer better access.
"I need a run," Jensen said.
Jared nodded. "Let me change--"
"Alone. I need to clear my head."
"Jensen." Jared felt him slump. Felt the defeat before Jensen took a step, two, forward and away from Jared's touch. "You can't."
"I know."
"I won't talk. I'll stay behind you."
"Not the same. It's you I need to be away from." His face twisted wryly, and he half-turned to offer Jared a weary smile. "But thanks."
"I can't refuse your family, Jensen." They had to settle this. Jared couldn't just leave it, Jensen had the right to know how things would be, and that Jared couldn't change it, even if he wanted to. Which he wasn't sure at all that he did. Jensen didn't react, so Jared eased up behind him again, leaning into Jensen's body heat, offering support. "They have the right to see you. I can't prevent them, and as much as I want to please you, I don't want to prevent them.
He nibbled at the skin below Jensen's ear, his voice softer, slower, seductive. "They need to see I'm not being cruel to you, to know I'm not mistreating you. It's their right to come." Jensen shivered under Jared's teasing lips and tongue. "It's time our families meet. They're going to share us, and they're going to share the grandchildren we give them--"
Jensen's body went taut and rigid, and he stepped away, moved swiftly through the door out into the yard. He scooped up the basketball and charged the goal, dribbling the ball hard into the concrete and climbing into the air at the last minute to slam the ball through the hoop. The backboard quivered with the force, and Jensen grabbed the ball and spun to travel down court and do it all over again. Jared wanted more than anything to join him, but he didn't. He waited, hoping Jensen might work off some of the ache and confusion and frustration in physical effort.
ELEVEN
Jared was fairly humming with tension. Marta and her minions had the buffet looking beautiful and sumptuous. The landscaping decorator had scattered potted trees, plants, a sculpture or two, and outdoor furniture around the yard and patio as though by accidental placement, but everything looked inviting and relaxed. There were lights placed for after dark, if the party went that long.
He dressed carefully, in black slacks and a dark green shirt--quality fabric, but the first few buttons at the neck left casually undone. His shoes were carefully shined. He wanted to present his best appearance at this first meeting with Jensen's family--wealthy and solid enough to take excellent care of their son, but not stuffy or straight-laced enough to keep Jensen to the strictest letter of the law, secluded away from them or his friends. He hoped Jensen would be proud of him, too, proud enough to introduce him to those people who cared about Jensen, as someone eager to join the ranks of those who loved him. He didn't hold out much hope of that at this early stage in their relationship, but he did still hope. If not today, eventually it would come. He'd work hard at it.
He heard the doorbell; the first of the guests had started to arrive. Jared took a last swipe at his hair and turned to go downstairs. He paused and knocked on the closed door of the guest room, where Jensen had asked to shower and get ready by himself. "Jen? You ready to go down? People are starting to get here."
"In a minute or two, Jared. Be right down." Jensen's voice shook a little, but sounded strong. Jared had wanted the two of them to walk down the stairs together, but his features twisted wryly at his fantasy. This wasn't a bridal march, after all.
"Okay, man, see you downstairs. Don't take too long."
Jared's parents had arrived, and his older brother, his wife, and their little girl. He hugged them each in turn and asked, "Where's Megan?"
"She's coming right from work, sweetie. She'll be here. She mentioned bringing Gary with her, I hope that's okay," his mom patted his hair and brushed imaginary dust off his shoulder as he looked around to see who else had arrived.
"That's fine, mom. I haven't gotten to really know Gary--is he a good guy?" Good enough for his baby sister, he meant, and his dad caught his eye and smiled.
"Not bad, Jared. She could do a lot worse--and has done."
Jeff rolled his eyes and snickered. "Remember Ron?" Jared threw back his head and laughed out loud. Yes, he definitely remembered the alarmingly pierced and inked young man with the black fingernails and lipstick and the startlingly blue hair.
"So, Gary's an improvement, I take it?"
"Yes, darling. Gary's a good boy. But we're interested in your young man. Where is Jensen? We want to meet him."
"He's a little nervous," Jared gave his mom a quick squeeze as he moved to welcome new arrivals. "He'll be right down."
In the foyer stood a strong-jawed man and a pretty blonde woman. As she turned toward Jared, he recognized Jensen's eyes. These were Jensen's parents. His little sister and his elder brother were with them, and behind them were three men whom Jared didn't know.
"Hello, welcome. I'm Jared, Jared Padalecki. Mr. and Mrs. Ackles?" He put out a hand and Alan took it, shaking once before he let go.
Jensen's mom let him take her hand, but slid away quickly. "This is our daughter, Jensen's sister MacKenzie, and his brother Josh." She turned to the men standing stiffly behind them. "These are Jensen's friends, Steve Carlson, Jason Manns, and Christian Kane."
Jason reached for Jared's outstretched hand without hesitation. "I hope you don't mind us tagging along with Jensen's folks. We've all been..."
"Concerned." Carlson shook Jared's hand. "We haven't gone a whole month without seeing Jensen, or at least hearing from him, since we've known him."
"I did tell Jensen's folks he was okay when they called," Jared said, extending a hand to Christian. Kane looked at it, expressionless, for a few seconds before taking it. Despite the fact that Jared's paw swallowed the shorter man's hand, Kane attempted to crush it. Jared let him, and took some satisfaction in showing no response. Kane let go, and Jared stepped back, sweeping them all into the living room with an outstretched arm. "He should be down soon. He's a little nervous, meeting everybody."
He shepherded Jensen's parents toward the buffet where his own mom and dad were loading their plates. "Mr. and Mrs. Ackles, let me introduce my parents, Gerald and Sharon Padalecki." The Ackles produced polite smiles, while Jared's parents welcomed them warmly, engaging them at once in conversation and putting plates in their hands, talking about Marta's skill in the kitchen. A definite undertone of "Your son has not been starved in this house" was detectable as Jared moved away. Kane and the other men had found the bar, and Jared noticed MacKenzie touring the room, noting the art on the walls and the furnishings, a thoughtful look on her face. The doorbell rang, and more voices rose in greeting: more aunts, uncles, and cousins arrived, followed by Chad, Matt, and a couple more guys from the office, two of them with their wives. He waved hello but left them to find their own ways to food and drink, and considered a quick trip upstairs to retrieve Jensen.
The slow wave of quiet that moved over the assembly made him look up. Jensen stood halfway down the stairs, looking calmly over the crowd. Jared was stunned anew at his handsome features, seeing him through these people's eyes as for the first time. And something else took his breath for a moment, too. Jensen was wearing the clothes he'd worn when he left the Ceiver Home: loose drawstring pants, long-sleeved tunic, and the open-front vest that fell halfway to his knees. His feet were shod in slippers. For all the calm expression, Jared could see the tremble of nerves telegraphed as the hem of the pants quivered. He swiftly made his way to Jensen on the stairs, sliding a steadying arm about Jensen's waist. He turned to the crowd below, presenting Jensen, introducing him to all of them at once.
"Everyone, this is Jensen. I'll let you introduce yourselves to him one at a time. Now, remember, be nice. This is a lot of strangers for anybody to meet all at once. And the Padalecki's are stranger than most," he joked, hoping to break the tension. It worked; a general chuckle passed through the crowd, and Jared tightened his arm about Jensen's waist to get him moving down the stairs.
"You didn't have to wear that, Jen," he smiled into Jensen's eyes. There was no answering expression there, or on Jensen's features.
"I thought it appropriate, under the circumstances." There was resistance to Jared's pressure, but he did descend the stairs. Waiting at the bottom were his parents. Donna raised her arms to enfold her son, and Jensen bent enough to allow her to hug him. He kept his own arms at his sides, however, and while his eyes closed for a fraction of a second, his expression didn't change.
"Oh Jensen, it's so wonderful to see you! You look good, son, how are you?" she asked while Alan pulled his son into a tight, brief hug.
Jensen straightened and stepped back. "Jared's been very good to me," he told them, and with a little bow, moved on into the crowd. "Jenny!" a girlish voice called, and then MacKenzie flung her arms around his neck and rocked him back on his heels. He caught her around the waist with both arms, as she trusted him with all her weight. After a second, he set her down and detached her from his neck. "Mac." His features softened into something close to a smile as he turned away from her and toward his brother. "Josh." Josh hugged him, slapped him on the back, and let go as Jason and Steve each stepped up for their own hugs. Kane grabbed him and clung on fiercely for awhile, before setting Jensen back and peering into his face with a ferocious expression. "Jenny, how's he treating you? You okay, man?"
Jensen patted Christian's shoulder gently and assured him, "Jared's been very good to me, Chris."
Kane's head tilted to one side and he searched Jensen's face for the truth. Jared took that moment to put a hand on Jensen's shoulder and turn him toward the place where Jared's family waited to be introduced.
"Mom, Dad, this is Jensen. Jensen, this is Gerald and Sharon Padalecki, and my brother Jeff and his wife. My sister Megan and her current boyfriend will be arriving soon."
Jared's mom swept Jensen into a hug almost as fierce as his own mother's had been. "We're all so glad you're here, Jensen! We just can't tell you how excited we are!"
Gerald pumped his hand in a firm handshake. "I hope Jared's treating you all right, Jensen."
Jensen gave a slow and gentle nod. "Jared is very kind," he told them. "He's been very good to me."
Something prickled at the nape of Jared's neck. This was the third time he'd heard Jensen repeat that same sentence, nearly word for word. He took a step back and took a good look at Jensen. He hadn't smiled once, not really. And he hadn't initiated a handshake or returned a hug, not even from his own mother.
"Guys, I need to borrow Jensen for a minute," he smiled, hooking an arm about Jensen's waist and steering him toward the kitchen, where he hoped they'd have a minute alone. He was in luck; Marta was busy at the other end of the room, arranging more canapés on a tray. He faced his ceiver, crouching down a little trying to look him in the eyes. Jensen hadn't resisted the manhandling, but his gaze was stubbornly lowered and unfocused. "Okay, man. What's going on?"
Jensen didn't answer, not even a shrug. "Jensen? Tell me what's going on with you."
"Nothing, Jared."
"This isn't nothing, Jen. You're acting weird."
No response. Jensen's bicep still in Jared's grip, he shook the shorter man a little. "Jensen, talk to me. What are you doing?"
A quick, single flash of green, and then Jensen's gaze fell again. "I'm not doing anything, Jared. I'm here, I'm on display, I'm doing what's required of me, what you wanted."
"This isn't what I wanted!"
"Then am I done? Can I go?"
"No! No, you can't go. This is your party, Jensen, our party. We're celebrating with our families! This is a happy occasion. You're supposed to be happy."
Jensen said nothing. His expression didn't change, he didn't try to tug away. He just stood there. "Jensen, what are you doing?"
A tiny sigh escaped Jensen's lips. "I'm waiting to be told what I'm supposed to do."
Jared's eyes filled, and his voice nearly broke. "I just want you to be happy with me." Jensen's eyes flickered to his own, and away again.
"I'm doing the best I can, Jared. I'm sorry it's not enough."
He watched Jensen make the rounds of the room, never initiating a conversation, replying with a nod or a slight shrug or a bare few words when addressed directly. His eyes were unfailingly downcast, he met no one's gaze; addressed directly, he looked at chin or collarbone. He didn't smile, though no one could say his expression wasn't pleasant. He didn't pout or sulk, but he didn't engage. He was present, he allowed everyone to look at him, but moved gently away from the random touch, the attempted hug. He gave no indication of noticing the calculating glances Jared's older female relatives slanted his way, nor the wistful, disappointed gazes of a couple of the girl cousins. Jensen was like a pleasant sort of animatronic person, moving gently and untouched through the gathering.
"Not too shabby, dude," Chad spoke in Jared's ear. Ice rattled as Chad threw back the dregs of his drink and reached for the bottle. "You lucked out, he's pretty."
Jared punched him in the shoulder for form's sake. "Don't be an ass, Chad." But privately, he couldn't disagree. Jared recognized the signs of fatigue around Jensen's mouth and his eyes, the tension in his back, and was about to go to him and try to offer support again when Kane moved to stand by Jensen, Jason and Steve with him.
"Hey, Jenny, man, we're gonna take off."
"It was great to see you, Jensen," Steve wrapped him up in a hug, then let him go so Jason could hug him, too. Jensen just stood and let them. He didn't meet their eyes. The corners of his mouth turned up a little, but it was an evident effort.
Jason smacked his shoulder. "We'll call you, okay? See if we can't get together sometime this week."
"Yeah, Steve's got a new tune he's working on. It could use your input, man, you know how he gets stuck," Kane grinned at Carlson and then at Jensen, who shook his head regretfully.
"I'm...pretty busy right now, guys. Plus, the way it is, Jared has to be with me whenever I'm--out. Of the house. Or when anybody else is here."
There was stark silence as the three friends took in the information. "Son of a--"
"Chris." Steve quietly interrupted Christian, and turned back to Jensen. "You want me to invite him, Jen? We don't mind if he comes along."
"Guys, I appreciate it, I do. I'm just--" Jensen stopped. Swallowed, and finished what he needed to say. "I'm just not in the mood right now. Okay? I'll call you. Or--you know, get Jared to call."
Jason wrapped both arms around him and just hung on for a minute. Steve and Chris piled on, and the four of them stood there, providing what support they could, before the three friends pulled away and made their way to the door. There was such an intense look of grief and anger in Kane's eyes Jared was very glad to have escaped the man's notice as he was leaving. He turned back to find Jensen standing exactly where he'd been as they left him. No expression, no sign of any emotion at all. Jared wanted to go to him, wrap him up and tell him how precious and wonderful he was, how great their life together was going to be, that there would be so many new things to discover and enjoy, things to make up for the loss he was going through right now.
But now was not the time. He turned away to give Jensen a little privacy and time to process before guiding him back to the party.
TWELVE
Jensen was...compliant. He never argued about the sex. He came to bed when Jared told him to. He didn't fight, he didn't resist, he hadn't, right from the first, although it had been more difficult and awkward at the beginning. Things were a little more relaxed, now. He let Jared do things to him that he obviously didn't enjoy, and he didn't struggle. He was silent, except for an occasional involuntary gasp or grunt. Jared had started to seek those sounds. To make Jensen respond. Because as beautiful as Jensen was naked--and Jared had known he would be from the moment he saw those photos before they ever met--as warm as his skin was, as sensuously as his muscles moved, as good as he smelled, right there in Jared's arms, Jared never felt like Jensen was really there, in the bed with him, when they were having sex.
He wouldn't allow Jared to touch his cock while Jared was fucking him, and he never touched himself. He would get halfway hard from physical stimulation when Jared stroked his prostate, but he never filled completely, and he never came, not from being fucked. He obviously liked being blown, and Jared really enjoyed watching Jensen respond to his tongue and lips. But once he'd come, he wasn't interested in further sex. He didn't object or resist, he just lay unmoving while Jared got himself ready, and then rolled onto his stomach, shoving a pillow under his hips and raising his ass, compliantly, for Jared.
This time, when Jensen started to roll, Jared held his arms to the mattress with both hands. "No, Jen," he didn't know whether an order or a plea would work better, and what came out was somewhere between the two. "Wanna see you."
Jensen turned his face as far to the side as he could, eyes tight shut, and refused to look at Jared. As Jared released one wrist to ready his cock, Jensen flung that arm over his face, a barrier between them. His body stiffened, resisting Jared's attempts to get comfortable between Jensen's thighs, to raise his knees. As Jared sat back, lifting his weight off Jensen, Jensen rolled to his stomach. Again.
"Just--do what you need to do, Jared," he muttered into the pillow. Something tore inside Jared, and he was up and off the bed before he had time to think about it. He was across the room, his back to Jensen, and god, he was choking back sobs and stifling tears.
It was hard to ignore the fact that something wasn't right. Jensen sat up, contemplating Jared's back, tense and shaking with the effort of containing his emotions. "What's wrong?" he asked quietly.
Jared huffed out a wry little laugh, shook his head. "I just wish I could make love to you, just once, and not have it feel like rape."
Jensen waited, but Jared didn't say anything else, didn't explain, didn't apologize. And finally, he spoke first. "What do you want me to say, Jared?"
Jared searched Jensen's face before he spoke. "Still? After all this time? I've taken things slow, I've been gentle. I've tried to... I don't know. I thought---"
"You thought what? That I'd learn to like it? Accept the inevitable?" Jensen sat up with a soft snort of derision, wrapping the sheet around his hips. "I'm accepting the situation. I'm letting you--have me. I'm not fighting you. What do you want from me, Jared?"
"I want you to-- I want you to enjoy it." Jared's eyes were wet. Jensen couldn't doubt his sincerity. "It would be nice if--"
"If what?"
"If you, if I felt like you wanted it sometimes. Like you wanted me."
Jensen's surprised huff of laughter was somehow sad. He shuffled back on his ass till he could lean against the headboard, and he met Jared's eyes without flinching. "I like you. I like hanging out with you. We like a lot of the same stuff, and if we'd met...before, I'm pretty sure we'd have been friends." He glanced down at his hands in his lap. "Sometimes--well, you know, they isolate us together for a month to encourage this to happen, but sometimes it feels like you're the most important person in my life." He paused a moment. "I guess from here on, you will be."
Jared stirred, where he stood leaning against the dresser, but he didn't speak, so Jensen continued.
"You're the only person I see. The only one I'm allowed to talk to, to spend time with--"
"Jensen, that's not--"
"Unless you're there too. You're every minute, you know? Unless I'm alone."
Jared stopped and absorbed that bit of knowledge from Jensen's perspective.
"So, yeah. I like you, a lot. Which, you know, is a lot better than hating your guts. But, well, wanting you? Like that?" He shook his head, but the smile on his face was soft and somehow kind. "Only if you were a girl, Jared."
Once more, Jensen's perspective rocked Jared a little, put things in a different light. He took a breath, nodded. "Yeah. Okay."
Jensen looked puzzled, and a little alarmed. "What?"
"I can be the girl. I mean, I don't exactly mind, you know?"
"Wait, Jared--"
"No. It makes sense, sort of. I'm gay. I haven't been with a lot of guys, but I have bottomed, and I like it. So, I'm okay with that, if you want it. If it makes this easier for you. I want you, Jensen. Any way I can have you."
Jensen looked at him like he'd sprouted two extra heads. "There are so many things wrong with this idea."
He rocked forward, wanting to be closer, to touch, to convince by nearness and skin and breath. God he wanted Jensen, never wanted anybody more. But this moment could determine the rest of their life together, everything about it, about them, and he stayed where he was. "I can be good for you, Jensen. I can make it so good. I want you. I want you to be happy, I want you to be happy with me."
"This is not going to get me pregnant, Jared."
"Screw that. We'll worry about that later. I just--I just want you to be happy, at least a little happy, with me."
Jensen was still staring at him like he'd lost his mind. "Repro's not going to be happy if I'm not knocked up by the end of the year."
"One thing at a time," Jared told him, with the gravity of a promise. "Say yes."
