Not all Cats are Grey in the Dark – Chapter 5, J2, RPS, AU, NC-17

[fufaraw]

Master Post  | Chapter 1  | Chapter 2  | Chapter 3  | Chapter 4  | Chapter 5 + Author Notes

* * *

"But I was going to the library to look up these symptoms I've been having," Mrs. Peterson was complaining to Danay, who was on the desk this morning. "And the library was closed. The library's always open by nine o'clock, every morning."

"Maybe Ms. Williams is running late this morning," Danay suggested.

"But it's almost ten, now. She's never this late," Mrs. Peterson argued. "She's never ever late, at all. Something's happened," the older woman insisted. "Something's wrong. Do something!"

"Yes ma'am. Please have a seat, and I'll see what we can do."

Danay checked the number and dialed the library. It rang a dozen times, but there was no answer. She looked up the librarian's home number, and called there. The answering machine picked up on the fourth ring.

"Anybody know where Tom Williams works?" she asked the staff in the office. Merrilyn thought he worked at the tire store, so Danay called there. Tom did work there, and he was just as puzzled as anybody else that the library wasn't open. There was a note of worry in his voice.

"She was fine this morning. Everything was just as usual. She got in her car and left for work before I left, myself. She didn't have any errands to run on the way in, should have gotten there on time, just like she does every other day."

Danay tried to reassure Mr. Williams, and got a description and license number for her car. She tapped on the frame of Jeff's open door, and briefed him on their missing person.

"Radio the deputies on patrol, tell them to look out for that car." When that was done, Danay remembered that Mrs. Peterson was still waiting, and returned to the desk to ask her, "Does Ms. Williams have an assistant?"

Danay called Michael, the part-time assistant, and asked if he could open the library alone for the day. "He'll be there in a half-hour, Mrs. Peterson, if you want to go over there, now."

*  *  *

While the county-wide search for Denalda Williams was going on, Jeff got a call from the State office. "Got an ID on your vic, Jeff. He turned up on military records. His name is Ben A. Martin, 35, no record, other than some minor juvie stuff."

"Ben Martin? Are you sure?"

"Well, I'm staring at his record, and yep, the prints are a perfect match."

"That's impossible."

"Okay, and why is that?"

"Because our new pastor's name is Ben Martin. He's just taken over the church, after Pastor Stevens retired."

It hit Jeff then, and he couldn't get a breath for a moment. "Oh Jesus. Oh, crap. Listen, send me everything you've got on Martin. And have you found out anything more on Edgar Lewis?"

"No, not really. That information you sent us about the cases in Washington State that you think might be connected--well, there's not enough information in those files to be helpful. And nothing positively points to Lewis. I'm sorry."

"Yeah. Thanks. Just send me that info."

He hung up and took a look around the office. Everyone present was still and staring at him.

"Jason, you and Danay get down to the church. Radio Jared and Caroline to go by Ben Martin's house, and all of you watch yourselves. Martin's our guy."

"The pastor?" Jason asked.

"The man in the morgue is our pastor," he told them. The man we've believed to be Ben Martin is actually Edgar Lewis."

"Boss?" Jason had the car keys in his hand, but he stopped to ask. "You think he kidnapped the real Ben Martin, and took his place?"

Jeff nodded. "I think it was a golden opportunity for him to live in the community, to be looked up to and respected. Nobody would ever think to accuse a man of God of...the things Edgar Lewis has done. And taking the real Ben gave him a victim who would never be missed, that he could take his time with."

Danay hesitated, but forced out the question anyway. "Boss, you think he's got Ms. Williams?"

Jeff blinked, before he could focus, and his gaze swept them all. "I think if we don't find her in the next hour, find her car broken down and her stranded because she forgot to charge her cell phone and she doesn't have OnStar, yeah. I am afraid of that. You two get on with your assignments. I've got instructions for the rest of the force."

*  *  *

It was a long, brutal bear of a day. The man they'd accepted as Pastor Ben, now known to be Edgar Lewis, had vanished into thin air. His house looked like he had stepped out for lunch and would be back any minute. There were no clothes missing, that searchers could tell. No dirty dishes, nothing that would give any clue to where he might have gone. And there was no sign of Denalda Williams, either. There wasn't much hope that she was merely lost and waiting to be found. They were pretty certain that Edgar Lewis had taken her, as he had the real Pastor Ben.

Jeff sent the day shift home with orders to rest and be back the next morning ready to work.

Jared called Jensen, confessed to being tired, cranky, and not very good company and asked him to come over, anyway. Jensen investigated Jared's refrigerator and put together a simple meal, and saw to it that Jared ate. They cuddled on the couch for a while, but Jared was tired and apologized for being so scattered.

"I know you're under pressure, Jared. It affects everything. Here. Why don't you just go to bed. You'll feel better after a good night's sleep."

"Can't sleep."

"Why not?"

"Stay the night. Sleep with me."

Jensen's eyebrows went up, but Jared didn't even tease. "Just sleep."

Jensen gave him a long, assessing look, then nodded. They stripped to tee shirts and boxers and crawled under the covers, and Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen, and they both drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Travis pressed Jared up against the wall of the ER bay, keeping him out of the way as a swarm of doctors, nurses, and techs surrounded Raul. Jared knew it was only his uniform and Travis's that had allowed them to stay this long. Getting in the way would fast result in getting him kicked out. But he couldn't see from here. And he needed to see--he needed to get hands on Raul, skin to skin, even if it was just his hand. Jared hardly listened to the staccato call and response of the doctors' demands for information and supplies, and the nurses' replies. He knew what some of those terms were--they didn't, they couldn't apply to Raul. Not to the smiling, laughing, gorgeous man who shared Jared's life and Jared's bed. Not his Raul. Jared heard the heart monitor stutter and stall. He heard commands for drugs and perceived someone standing on a box, giving CPR. He heard the piercing unbroken note indicating flatline, but it faded away to background as the flurry of activity went on. Until the person on the box stepped down, and movement and sound stilled, and a voice noted the time. Jared struggled against Travis's hold and finally tore himself free. He reached the side of the stretcher where Raul lay, pale and bloody and silent and still. His hand was still warm. His face was, too, under the blood and the late-afternoon stubble when Jared cupped his cheek. He flung himself across the stretcher, arms seeking his husband's form, searching for breath, for movement. Someone was wailing inconsolably, someone close, in this very room. There was a sting in Jared's arm, and the room and Raul and everything else faded away.

*  *  *

"Raul!" Jared sat up, eyes wide in the dark, heart slowing as the nightmare faded around him. He shuddered, dropped his head into his hands, and then jumped, his heart leaping, as someone's weight shifted next to him in the bed.

"Jared?" Jensen was awake now, sitting up. A hand sought Jared's shoulder. "You all right, man?"

Jared rubbed his chest, where his breathing was trying to settle back to normal, and nodded. In the dark, he realized, and found breath to utter, "Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I'm okay."

Jensen's hand found Jared's, and then flattened over his heart. After a minute, Jensen sat up fully and turned to face him. "I don't think so. Hey." Fingers stroked Jared's cheek before the hand returned to his shoulder. "Anything I can do?"

Jared took Jensen's hand in his and shook his head. In the dark, he reminded himself again. "No. Just a dream. Let's just go back to sleep."

Jensen didn't argue, but he pushed and nudged at Jared till he lay on his side, and then Jensen spooned up behind him, one arm under the pillow beneath Jared's head, the other wrapped around his torso, Jared's hand in his, their fingers laced together. Jared had become unused to spooning in bed. Even when it had been a nightly practice, he had rarely been the little spoon. Now though, it felt good having Jensen at his back, as if he was protected, somehow. Jensen's warm breath puffed against his neck, the back of his ear. His chest moved with his regular breathing against Jared's back, and Jared's breathing adapted to the same rhythm. He hadn't planned it, but somehow the words just emerged, on their own, without the pain they had always brought when he'd said them before.

"Raul was my husband."

He felt Jensen nod. "I know." He didn't ask for anything more. But Jared went on, finding a kind of relief as the words found their way out.

"He died. I was there. I dream about it, sometimes."

Jensen's arms tightened. "I'm so sorry."

Jared nodded. Neither of them said anything else, and soon his breathing deepened, and he was asleep. Jensen tucked in a little closer, and then he fell asleep, too.

*  *  *

Jared woke to an empty bed, and the scents of coffee and bacon. He took a quick shower and pulled on sweats and a tee shirt before heading for the kitchen, still scrubbing at his wet hair with a towel.

Jensen grinned at him and poured a fresh mug of coffee, setting it and the sugar and cream on the end of the bar. "Breakfast in five. You want peppers or onions in your eggs?"

Jared breathed in the fragrant steam, nodding before he took his first sip. "Both," he answered, the coffee working on the wakeup job the shower had started. He ambled out onto the deck, bare feet leaving footprints on the dewy deck boards. He stared into the lightening sky, the sun slowly gilding everything as it rose.

"Hey," Jensen called from inside. "Little help, here?"

Jared set his mug on the patio table and went inside to get the tray that held juice, glasses, forks, napkins, and Jensen's coffee mug, while Jensen spooned eggs onto plates for each of them, and brought out the plates.

They didn't attempt conversation, it felt comfortable not talking. Once the plates were empty, they sat back, sipping their coffee and enjoying the morning, silent except for birdsong.

"It was a domestic disturbance that escalated," Jared began. "There were about fifteen, maybe twenty officers on scene." It wasn't difficult at all for the words to come, once he started. Not the way he'd expected it to be, and dreaded, for all this time. He wanted Jensen to know. It was time.

"The house had been cleared." His coffee was gone, so he reached for the pitcher and poured half a glass of juice. "Room by room. Travis and Raul had assessed the wounded so they could treat them. Travis was working on the woman, and Raul had the husband. He was fighting Raul, though, and I started to step in to hold the guy down, when I heard this...sound, behind me. Before I could turn, there was a shot, and then I did turn, and saw three or four officers taking down another guy with a gun. I turned back to check on Raul, and." He stopped. Swallowed. Had to find his voice again. "He'd been shot."

Jensen's face furrowed in sympathy, but he said nothing, and Jared went on. "Nobody noticed the attic access hatch. The husband's brother had hidden in the attic while we were coming in, and he just dropped down and started shooting."

Jared tossed back his juice like a shot of whiskey, and set the glass down with a sharp rap. "Travis tried to stop the bleeding, but it was bad. We got him on the bus, and to the ER in minutes, but he coded on the way. They got a heartbeat in the ER, but he flatlined in spite of all they could do, and they just couldn't get him back."

"I'm so sorry, Jared."

Jared nodded. "Thanks." He stood and started inside. "I gotta go."

Jensen looked at the breakfast things, and started clearing up. Jared rushed back outside to Jensen, and kissed him on the cheek. He put a key to the front door in Jensen's hand. "I'll see you tonight?"

Jensen wrapped his fingers tight around the key, and kissed him back. "Of course."

* * *

The next two days were nonstop hell. With a kidnapping, Jeff had no choice but to call in the FBI.

Everyone in the department wanted Denalda found, wanted Lewis in custody, and both those things as soon as possible, so they did what they could to accommodate the agents. But it was strange and uncomfortable in the office, with agents commandeering desks and phones, and ordering all calls and information routed through them. It was awkward, and difficult to get anything done, when you felt like you were being observed, and not performing up to FBI standard.

It was left to Jeff to try to reassure and comfort Tom Williams. He didn't think he did a very good job. But the agents were less reassuring, and certainly didn't have time to comfort the victim's family.

Jared escaped to a cruiser, to spend the first day combing the countryside in search of Denalda's car, or some as-yet undiscovered hole where Lewis had gone into hiding. He thought at least he'd be out of the feds' vicinity, but one of the agents opened the passenger door and slid into the seat. Swell. At least he didn't have to talk much. The agent kept up a running monologue about, apparently, every operation he'd ever taken part in. Jared had never been so happy to park his cruiser at the end of his shift, and go write up his report. It was relatively short, mainly a list of the places he had investigated that day, with no results.

*  *  *

Jensen had shopped, and had started on dinner by the time Jared got home.

"Don't get used to this," he warned Jared. "It's only because your job is kicking your ass right now, and you need a little taking care of. Go shower. This will be ready soon."

The steaks were thick and juicy, and the quartered potatoes and asparagus spears were tender and ready to go. Jared plated everything and set the plates on the table, just as the last of the sun glowed over the trees and the first stars pricked through the dark sky above. He lit a couple of candles and called for Jensen, who appeared with an open bottle of wine and two glasses.

"Mmm, kisses appetizer," Jensen murmured, once Jared released his lips. He set the glasses beside their plates, and poured the wine. "I like it."

Crickets and tree frogs had gotten their counterpoint chorus underway by the time the men had finished, and they sat on a little while, watching the stars and finishing off the bottle. Jared took his plate and his half-full glass inside to load the dishwasher, and Jensen followed. While Jared finished loading, Jensen stretched out on the couch, where he could watch the stars through the open glass door. Jared joined him, carefully arranging limbs so they both fit, and so his heavier body wouldn't crush Jensen.

He nosed at Jensen's ear, and along his jawline, licking a wet stripe and blowing hot breath on it. Jensen squirmed a little beneath him, and Jared took his empty wineglass and set it aside. Jensen's hands came up to cup Jared's face, and the kisses were languid and sweet and warm, until they became more insistent. Jensen wriggled underneath Jared and gasped. His hips rolled up, seeking friction, and he grabbed for Jared's hand, pulling it down to cover the growing bulge in his pants.

"Touch me," he whispered, his eyes wide and bright in the light from the sky and the stars outside. "Please, Jared."

They shifted, more side by side, to free Jared's hand to cup and massage Jensen's cock through his pants. Encouraged by Jensen's tight-shut eyes and the noises he was making, Jared popped the snap and eased the zipper down, working his hand inside to rub over soft cotton at the leaking hardness. Jensen whimpered, clutching at Jared's shirt, his shoulders, running his hands over his face, his back, and clutching at him again. "Please, Jared, please!"

Nosing against Jensen's jaw and neck, Jared sneaked a look down to where his hand was lowering the waistband of Jensen's boxer briefs. Freed, Jensen's cock sprang up, larger than Jared had expected, flushed and leaking.

Jared wrapped his hand around it, and Jensen sobbed, writhing, seeking friction, chasing release. Jared couldn't stand it another minute. He slipped off the couch and went to his knees beside it, bent to take Jensen's dick in his mouth. He gazed up at Jensen's face while he did it, and the utter shock and loss of control urged him on. He swallowed as much of it in one stroke as he could, hollowing his cheeks and sucking, stroking the underside with his tongue.

"Hah--Ja--red!" Jensen cried, his hips arching to force his cock deeper into the wet, welcome heat of Jared's mouth. His hands clenched tight on nothing, merely balled into empty fists, his mouth gaping wide, and he pumped up once, twice, three times, and Jared's mouth was flooded with salty come. Floods of it, more than he could swallow, and he swiped with his thumb at what leaked out the corners past the still-quivering column of Jensen's dick.

Jared finished swallowing, and knelt up to look into Jensen's face. Eyes still closed, mouth open, lax, but his breathing was slowing back to normal. Jared took the closest hand and gently opened it, rubbing until the fingers relaxed before planting a soft kiss in the palm. He did the same for the other hand, watching Jensen's face the whole while. He saw the eyes open, starlight reflected in them--and he imagined it wasn't all from the sky. He traced a fingertip along Jensen's hairline and down his jaw, and bent to plant a soft, undemanding kiss on those open, inviting lips. Jensen looked at him then, really seeing him, and Jared asked, "Okay?"

An expression somewhere between incredulity and affection settled on his features, and then he smiled.

"Yeah," he said.

* * *

"Have you checked the McCready place, out past Route 14?" Jeff asked his deputies. The agents in the office stopped what they were doing to listen.

"I drove past there yesterday," Adrian said. "It looked deserted. There weren't any vehicles, that I could see, so I didn't take a closer look."

"Did you drive up to the house?"

"No," Adrian said, ruefully. "I just slowed down and took a good look from the road."

"Okay, you go back out there and take a better look. Take Jason with you."

Adrian nodded, and he and Jason got up to leave.

"Sheriff Morgan."

Jeff's attention went to the agent in charge.

"I'd like one of my agents to ride along." He nodded to a clean-cut academy type, blond, with a jaw as square as his shoulders. The agent rose and checked his holstered service pistol, and grabbed the kevlar vest with "FBI" emblazoned across the front and back.

"Ready when you are," he nodded to Adrian.

Jeff turned to Danay. "I need you to take another look at those farms out along Harker Road," he told her. "You and Jake." He quirked an eyebrow at AIC Mackie, who nodded at another of his agents. "I know people live there, but there are barns and sheds we haven't searched," he told them. "We missed something the first time. Be thorough, but be safe." Danay and Jake nodded, and they and the agent left together.

Jeff turned to his office manager. "You be okay here? I need you to keep tabs on where everybody is, and what they're doing, and let me know the minute somebody finds something. Caroline will be in this afternoon to give you a hand."

Merrilyn's response was confident. "Of course, sheriff."

Jeff gave her a quick smile of approval. "Agent Mackie, would you like to ride with me and my deputy?" He nodded at Jared. "There's a string of old mine shafts I want to look at. It's a long shot, but we haven't turned up anything yet, anywhere. I just want to cross them off the list."

*  *  *

The mines were a complete waste of time. It was easy to tell that the soil and loose rock around the entrances hadn't been disturbed in a long time. Even so, they investigated the tunnels, flashlights probing into the darkness, until they were certain nothing and nobody had been that way.

Emerging into daylight again, Jeff checked with Merrilyn. Jake and Danay were still clearing outbuildings on the Harker Road farms, but she hadn't heard from Adrian or Jason in a while. Jeff thanked her, and started to contact Adrian, when Agent Mackie's radio crackled. The voice on the other end was barely audible, and Mackie thumbed up the volume. "Say again, Agent Charles."

"We're close, sir. Lewis is here, we had brief visual contact with both him and the Williams woman before they retreated further into the house. So far there's no indication that he knows we are here."

Those listening caught a high, frantic wail in the background as Agent Charles was speaking. "Agent Mackie, requesting immediate backup! The hostage may be in imminent danger, but I don't know if the three of us can subdue Lewis before he kills her. Advise, please."

Jeff, Jared, and Mackie were in the cruiser and headed toward the old McCready ranch before Charles had finished speaking. "On our way, agent. Hold steady, do not approach. Backup is on the way."

Jared drove, and Jeff reached for the radio. "Danay? Jason?"

Jason's voice replied. "Here, sir."

"The two of you get over to McCready's. Jake, Adrian, and Agent Charles have the subject within earshot, and he has Ms. Williams with him. We are on our way there now. Officers have been advised not to advance until backup arrives, so I suggest you haul ass."

"Yes, sir."

"And Jason?"

"Sir?"

"No lights, no siren. Get there fast, but come in quiet. We're hoping not to spook him into doing something rash."

"Got it, boss. Will do." And the speaker clicked off. Jeff called the department. When Merrilyn picked up, he instructed, "Get an ambulance out to the McCready place, Merrilyn. I hope we won't need it, but as far out as that place is, better safe than sorry."

"Yes sir. I'll get right on it."

"And Merrilyn," he added. "Tell the ambulance no lights, no siren. They need to get there as soon as possible, but it's an iffy situation, so they need to come in quiet so they don't set him off."

"I'll be sure to tell them, sir."

*  *  *

In the end, it was fairly straightforward. They approached quietly, surrounded the old farmhouse, and located the room where Lewis had Denalda tied up. Danay sneaked inside, made a noise in the next room, and when Lewis stepped away from his hostage to investigate the sound, officers rushed him, took him down, disarmed him, and took him into custody. Agent Mackie and Danay untied Ms Williams. A quick assessment showed shallow cuts to her arms and torso, but nothing that wouldn't heal quickly. The paramedics moved in hastily to get her into the ambulance and on her way to the hospital.

The FBI took custody of Lewis. He was housed overnight in the Sheriff Department's jail, with one of the federal agents guarding him at all times. The next morning transport arrived, the prisoner was loaded up, and driven out of Middlebrook with no ceremony at all. AIC Mackie gave the sheriff and the roomful of deputies a nod of approval.

"Nice working with you, Sheriff. Deputies. The federal government will take it from here." He and the two agents with him walked out without another word. There was a certain emptiness when they were gone. It would take a day or two to reclaim the office, and the atmosphere they were used to.

*  *  *

Jared and Caroline went to work trying to find relatives of Ben Martin, to inform them of his death, and find out if there was anyone to claim the body. It took a day and a half, but there was a sister in Boise. She suffered from some chronic illness, and wouldn't be able to come collect Ben's body herself. Jared arranged for shipment, rode shotgun in the hearse to the airport, and saw the coffin loaded on the plane. Caroline tracked down the ministry who had assigned Ben as pastor to Middlebrook, and informed them of his death. She began a discussion with them as to how they might send information to congregations about a new pastor, with information, description, and a photograph. This was an unusual crime, but it should be fairly simple to prevent it happening again somewhere else.

Jeff went to visit Denalda Williams, and came back to report that she was recovering quickly. Tom expressed his gratitude to the department for all they did in getting her back alive. And things were settling back to normal.

Jensen had called Jared once or twice, asking if he wanted some company. But Jared put him off, making excuses for not seeing him. Tired. Busy with clearing up after the case. We'll get together later.

He finally admitted to himself that he was stalling, avoiding facing the fact that he'd fallen for Jensen, head over heels. And he wasn't sure how he felt about that. There were differences there that he had never encountered, never considered before Jensen, and he didn't know if that was something he was prepared to live with. He didn't know if he was prepared to live with anybody again. He just didn't know. He came home to his dark and empty house, threw a frozen entree into the microwave while he showered, and ate it on the couch in front of the TV. He couldn't have told you what was on, if you had asked him later. He cleared up after eating, put his beer bottle in recycling, and fell into bed, hoping for the oblivion of sleep.

* * *

The waiting room chairs were hard. The voice on the loudspeaker droned at random intervals, names, instructions, always the same tone, the same cadence. The door to outside hissed and people came and went, hurrying up to the reception desk, voices edged with worry, asking about names, conditions, directions. Some of them sat, and the chill air eddied in their wake as they passed Jared.

A doctor would appear and call a name and a group, or an individual, would stand in response, and there would be a quiet discussion, followed by tears, sometimes happy tears and expressions of gratitude. People left, going to see those they had come here worrying about, or going home without them.

The PA system droned on, passing messages and inquiring after staff, family, the owner of the red Taurus blocking the ambulance entrance.

There was a change in the air and Jared looked up. Raul stood a few feet away, calm and seemingly normal despite the blood soaking the halves of the uniform shirt that had been cut away to expose his chest.

"Got to stop meeting like this, JT."

Jared started to stand, to go to him, take him in his arms, but something--he didn't know what--kept him in his seat. "Raul--"

"You got a life to live, brah. You need to move on, and stop hangin' around this morbid place."

It took him a minute, but he got the words out. "I can't."

"JT, this ain't helpin' me. And it sure ain't helping you."

"I can't just forget you!"

"Nobody's askin' you to. But baby, you got friends, and a new life, and somebody who's willing to take a chance on loving you. You really need to move on."

Raul's smile was sad, but firm, and he met Jared's eyes unflinchingly. Jared shook his head.

"I...can't. I don't know how." He sobbed, scrubbing the tears off his face with his fingers.

"JT."

Jared looked up, met those beautiful brown eyes. Raul was still smiling, even though he'd started to fade a little, grown a little transparent. "Man, you need to let me go." By the last word, Raul was gone. And Jared was awake, his face wet with tears.

* * *

Jensen left him alone another day before he called with another dinner invitation. "You haven't tried my mom's cacciatore," Jensen's voice was full of temptation. "Baked. Served over orzo. Mmmm." His voice sounded purely sinful.

Jared surrendered with a chuckle. "Yes, okay, cacciatore at your place, tonight. Should I bring anything?"

"Naw," Jared could hear the smile in Jensen's voice. "I got it. Seven?"

"Yeah, seven's good. See you then."

Dinner was almost as good as Jensen's voice had promised. Jared decided he needed to meet Jensen's mom. From her recipes that he had sampled, she was an awesome cook.

"Dessert and coffee?" Jensen asked, and Jared shook his head. He picked up the half empty bottle of wine and his glass.

"Let's finish this outside, first. Come on. I need to tell you something."

Jensen started to clear the table, but Jared hooked an arm around his waist. "Let that sit. We'll do it later."

Jensen grabbed his glass and let Jared sweep him out onto the terrace. Jared dropped his arm and put a few steps between them, turning to face Jensen. He sipped his wine, and then set the glass down, putting his hands in his pockets to stop them fidgeting.

"I'm sorry I've put you off the last few days," he began. Jensen said nothing, and he continued. "There has been a lot going on at the department, closing up and cleaning up after the case. But that wasn't the only reason. I needed some time to think."

He risked a glance at Jensen, who was studying his shoes, his face in shadow. Jared went on. "I spent these few days thinking hard about things that might not work out the way I've always expected, if we decide to be together. And if I could live with that, be satisfied with what we have. If I'd be tempted to go looking elsewhere for something more. For sex, the way I've always thought of it."

Jensen's eyes darted up to meet his, and then away. He nodded, and Jared could feel his disappointment. Jared couldn't let that stand.

"But then I caught a good look at myself, and I literally laughed myself breathless. Because I realized something." He wanted badly to wrap his arms around Jensen and hold him close, soothe away the disappointment. But he stood where he was, and used his words. "I realized I'm already too much in love with you to decide not to be."

Jensen's chin came up, his eyes sought Jared's, a small puzzled frown between his brows. Jared wanted to reach out and smooth it away with his fingertips.

"Jensen, I love you. I love your face, your body, your voice. I love listening to you talk, I love your humor, and the way you can make me laugh. I love how you are with friends, what a good person you are. And I love that you can be a first-class flake, and be okay with that."

"I love kissing you, and holding you, being held by you. I love exploring your body and finding out what drives you crazy, what makes you squirm, and I love watching your face when you come. I love your hands on me, hearing you breathe my name when you make me come."

"I love you. I love me when I'm with you; I think I'm a better person. I know I'm a happier person when we're together. I love us. I would be so proud, and so glad, if you wanted to be with me, too."

Jensen shook his head, and Jared could tell he was thinking through his own doubts and misgivings.

"I don't think I could be any happier than the way we are right now. Whatever we're not doing? I don't miss it."

Jensen looked at him in surprise, and started to speak, but Jared put up a hand to stop him, and repeated what he had said. "No, really, I don't. And I don't know, maybe we'll get there, maybe we won't. But either way, it's not going to change how I feel about you, about us."

Giving in, finally, to his need for contact, he wrapped his arms around Jensen and pulled him in against his chest, heartbeat to heartbeat. "So stop it. Stop trying to apologize for something that--" he looked down and made sure Jensen's eyes met his own. "--really doesn't matter. I love you, and I'm not backing off or giving you up." He squeezed Jensen tight until he squeaked a little, then eased up and backed off enough to see Jensen's face. "So unless you leave me--and I would make that far too difficult, so you might as well not even try it--you're stuck with me."

Jensen took a step back, and watched Jared's face. "And, Raul?" he asked, quietly.

It surprised Jared, but his answer was sure and solid. "Raul was my past. The past is always part of us, but you are my present. The future is us, together. This week has reminded me that life is shorter than we think, and anything can happen, to anybody, at any time. I know what I want. I want you. I want to be with you, and I don't want to waste any more time." He took a deep breath, his future in Jensen's hands. "What do you want, Jensen?"

Jensen's smile was small, but it broadened, and brightened until it was almost blinding in its happiness. It was the only answer he needed.

Fin

* * *
Note: Fic writers essentially work for tips. If you enjoyed the story, drop a dollar in the comment box. Thanks.

Other notes: All honor and tribute to wendy, without whom this challenge would have crashed and burned long ago.

Many thanks to my wonderful artist, mishmellow. She was so responsive to both the story and the visual ideas I shared. Somehow she created something entirely original, and completely right.

My heartfelt, eternal gratitude to the world's best beta, spn_j2fan for her unending patience, her uncompromising demand for excellence, her unflinching honesty, and her unflagging enthusiasm for this story and its often adrift writer. Thank you for believing and shepherding it, and me.

I have the best support group in the world. No, I do. So many thanks to my amazing, incredible POV reader, meus_venator, who is also my tech-enabler beyond compare. And also, to sophiap for the honest and valuable fast and dirty cold read that gave this fic new legs.

The title of the fic refers, of course, to the bad old adage, "all cats are grey in the dark," meaning one sex partner is the same as any other. But in this case, the "grey" also refers to grey asexuality.

And as a little bonus for those of you who have read thus far (you have, haven't you? read this far?), below is a cast list of the characters in the fic. I liked the idea of using actors who have guest starred on Supernatural through the seasons. And here they are.

Adrian Holmes (Demon, 3.15, Time is on My Side), Deputy * Caroline Chikezie (Tamara, 3.01, Magnificent Seven), Deputy * Danay Garcia (Ellie, 8.14, Trial and Error), Deputy * Merrilyn Gann (Madge Carrigan, 3.08, A Very Supernatural Christmas), Sheriff's Department Office Manager * Aldis Hodge (Jake Talley, 2.21 & 2.22, All Hell Breaks Loose I & II), Trauma MD * Christie Laing (Taylor, 1.07, Hook Man/Robert Johnson's Crossroads Demon, 2.08, Crossroad Blues), sandwich shop owner * Sasha Barrese (Casey, 3.04, Sin City), Beth's assistant at Gallimaufry * Denalda Williams (Doris, 3.11, Mystery Spot), librarian * Patty McCormack (Eleanor Holmes, 8.03, Heartache), accident victim * Kevin McNally (Frank Deveraux, four episodes, season 7), Medical Examiner * Lauren Tom (Linda Tran), real estate agent * Jim Beaver (Bobby Singer), consulting veterinarian * Jake Abel (Adam Milligan), Deputy. And RP characters who have not appeared in any season of Supernatural: Beth Riegert, Christian Kane, Jason Manns, Steve Carlson

* * *

Master Post | Art Master Post

Comments

[boltgirl426.livejournal.com]

This was positively beautiful. Such heart-wrenching flashbacks for Jared, but such a perfect and wonderful build up to his new relationship with Jensen. Definitely saving this to read again. Can't stop smiling!!!

[ayane42.livejournal.com]

this was wonderful!! very exciting and sad, but a wonderful love story between Jared and Jensen!!

i loved it!!

[sushistorm.livejournal.com]

Ahh, I love the asexual!jensen troupe, and I've read quite a few in the last year but I'm glad, for once, that Jensen's body responded too. It was an interesting twist, I almost expected there to be another reason for him to be asexual. And the sidestory was interesting too. You're a wonderful writer. :3

[fufaraw]

"read again" are such lovely words. Now I'm smiling, too.

Thank you for reading, and for telling me what you think.

[fufaraw]

I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for letting me know!

[fufaraw]

Aw, thank you!

Asexuality is a spectrum, which even some asexuals don't understand. Jensen didn't fall quite where he had always thought on that spectrum, he's actually romantic demisexual. Or as I like to think of it, he's "Jared-sexual".

Thanks so much for letting me know you enjoyed the story.

[valhalla-loki.livejournal.com]

so lovely and touching, thank you for sharing :)

[fufaraw]

I'm so happy you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for letting me know!

[z3s-keep-going.livejournal.com]

great fic, i really enjoyed it!

[fufaraw]

I'm glad you did! And thanks for leaving a comment to tell me so.

[unplugged32.livejournal.com]

Great story, loved it:)

[fufaraw]

I'm so glad! Thanks for saying so.

[deanshot1]

This was a lovely story with some heart wrenching flashbacks for Jared but it was a very good love story with added tension from the animal killings and the murder.

I liked how you ended it with Jared realising how much he loved all of Jensen.

Very tense scenes with finding out it was the fake pastor, did not see that one coming at all, kudos to you for that.

All of the additional characters you had in Jared and Jensen's lives were excellent choices. Really loved seeing beth Risegraff and Aldis in it.

Thanks for sharing and it's a keeper so I downladed the epub so I'll always be able to read it.

*hugs*

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

Soooo...where do I start? I loved this—I loved watching Jared heal during the course of this story. He was a very special person—kind, thoughtful, loving, and willing to let people be who they are with no judgment. He was the perfect person for Jensen.

The asexuality made me stumble at first, honestly. It was a little difficult for me to wrap my head around. And then I was confused, because they *were* having sex. But then I realized—or at least, this is what I think—that Jensen maybe considered himself asexual in terms of the way most other people saw sex? Because I saw the potential for a very satisfying relationship, emotionally as well as physically. Maybe his affection for, plus the trust he had in Jared, let him explore his feelings a little more and find that there were certain things that were satisfying and arousing for him? Maybe he was relaxed enough to see if he'd like doing some of those things with someone he really cared for.

I liked very much how careful Jared was, how he checked to make sure that Jensen was doing what made him feel good and not just trying to give Jared what he thought he wanted. (i bet everyone wishes they had a Jared like this, ;D) I also appreciated that he was very happy with the type of sex they did have.

I liked the mystery also—you got me with the Pastor, wow! I would never have guessed at all, and it felt complete when they discovered what had happened. And just let me say, before I stop babbling, that those sections with Raul were heartbreaking and horrible and made me gasp out loud. That first dream, I was begging my screen, "Oh, no, Jared—" Thank goodness no one was in the room with me! We only got to know Raul through Jared's nightmares but he came across as such a warm and loving kind of guy, the kind of guy who's partner's happiness was his happiness. Whether it was in Jared's mind or whether Raul actually asked Jared to choose life didn’t matter—it was the right choice. I was happy when Jared chose to let go at the end.

I would *love* to see more of these guys—would love a mystery series set in this town with these totally likable set of characters. (Geez, I wish I had a Beth to help me choose my style.) By the way, ADORED those bits of the story, that and the cooking. It's like you wrote a story for me personally, lol!

Thanks so much for sharing this story—I really enjoyed reading it! ♥

[fufaraw]

Oh goodness, thank you for such a wonderful comment!

If you can believe, it was the nightmares I wrote first. The rest of the story was structured around them, and then only when I'd put them in a sequence that reflected healing. Honestly, sometimes my mind does know what it's doing. Raul, of course, is Jared's memory of him, locked in replaying those last moments and seeking a different outcome. But I'm pretty sure he was a good guy, since he and Jared were happy together.

I live with an excellent cook, and he takes a bow for most of the food porn. He does, however, sneer at sliders. I had to create Steve's (such a hardship) on my own.

Are you a Leverage fan? Two out of my OT3 are already secondary characters in a lot of J2, so I needed to include Beth somehow. I'm glad you liked her! Her store is a dream of mine--as are both the guys' homes.

And of course, Jensen falls in a different place than he thought on the asexuality spectrum--he was just waiting for Jared to find that out. I sort of have my own Jared, in that regard.

We watch tv together, and aside from shit blows up, he likes semi-cerebral crime shows. I just put some plots in a jar and shook 'em up, and Edgar slithered out. I figured if he gave me the heebies, he'd balance all the J2 sweetness.

Thank you so much. I'm so glad you enjoyed Grey Cats. I appreciate your saying so!

[fufaraw]

Oh what lovely things to say! I'm so glad you liked the mystery thread. I worried about that, but it makes me happy it worked for you.

I had fun populating the town and the story with familiar faces, and I'm happy you approve. With Aldis and Christian already regular secondary characters in a lot of J2, I figured I had to bring in Beth and indulge in my OT3.

"a keeper" are wonderful words. Thanks so much for telling me you enjoyed the story!

[princesslanie.livejournal.com]

great love story, thanks for sharing.

[fufaraw]

I'm so glad you liked it. Thanks for leaving a comment.

[meus_venator]

I just realized I hadn't commented here. What an AWESOME story. I was seriously in love with Raul, no wonder Jared was so devastated. I loved the story from Jared's POV, he brings such a compassionate touch to the story, so understanding. And your Jensen, a bit of an enigma still, but seems to fit Jared just perfectly. Lovely story, beautifully written, (God your are so good) and the mystery!!!!! The butcher hiding out as the priest totally took me by surprise. What a great twist! I should have been suspicious when he didn't jump at the chance of coming to Jared's housewarming. What priest wouldn't take the opportunity to meet his new flock…. You got me!
Just a epic swelling read, all these tides of emotion washing over me as I worked through the story.

You seriously rocked this one my dear. So proud of you.

[fufaraw]

Aw, thank you for saying nice things. I owe you bigtime for all the feedback, encouragement, and hand-patting, not to mention the breakdown-avoiding tech assist. You're invaluable, you know. And I'm pleased you like the story.

[thestarkat.livejournal.com]

Great job. A really heartwarming and heartwrenching story in just the right amounts. Nice to see people working out for themselves what their relationships can be rather than having to accept what is expected. An awesome read.

[fufaraw]

::blushes::

"Awesome" is a very nice word. Thank you for saying nice things. Appreciated, very much.

[pennydrdful.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed this! I've stumbled across several different asexual!Jensen fics in the past (funny, I haven't seen any asexual!Jared ones), but this is the first one I've read where he does end up kind of surprising himself with his own sexual desire and satisfaction. It was really very interesting and great to read. I loved Jared's steady, careful approach to the whole subject, even though it was a new concept to him. And I especially love that somehow Jensen was able to find this. It's like he had to find his Jared before he could fully embrace that side of himself. It was kind of sweet. :)

And Jared's whole impassioned speech at the end about all the ways he loves Jensen? That was really sweet.

I thoroughly enjoyed this. Thanks so much for writing and sharing it with us!

[fufaraw]

What nice things to say! Thank you.

Asexuality is a graph, at any point along which an individual may fall. Jensen is on that graph, and because he had never enjoyed a sexual experience, he accepted his asexuality without exploring further. The reality is, he's probably a homoromantic demisexual--someone who needed a solid, loving, romantic relationship, with reciprocal physical affection, and emotional connection. Within the safe framework of that relationship, exploring physical sexuality became not only possible, but desirable. It's highly likely those conditions would not be met with just anybody else, and Jensen would continue to regard himself simply as asexual. I like to say he's Jared-sexual--you pegged it with "It's like he had to find his Jared." Exactly.

And of course, with Jared recovering from Raul's death, he wasn't ready for a new relationship. But he was attracted to Jensen, and interested enough to really get to know him before trying to hit on him. So things worked out for them.

I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks so much for telling me so.

[jimbobjoe.livejournal.com]

This was a great story! I really did not see it coming that the killer assumed the pastor's identity. I was so intrigued by that (and I had to stop reading for the day right at that point), that I had to babble about it to my husband, who is definitely not a fanfic reader. He thought it sounded cool, too!

The love story in this plucked so many of my heartstrings. Just lovely.

[gypsy-atavari.livejournal.com]

Awwwww I loved this and how it showed different facets of love. :-)

[fufaraw]

I'm so happy you like the story. Thanks for taking the time to tell me so, and for letting me know what worked for you.

[fufaraw]

Thank you for reading. I'm happy you took the time to tell me what you liked about it.

[tebtosca.livejournal.com]

Loved this, bb! I love watching them fall into each other and work around the twists and turns of starting a relationship from seemingly different end points. Really lovely stuff <3

[fufaraw]

I'm so glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks so much for telling me so!

[adameyezd.livejournal.com]

I wanted to read this because I found the summary interesting yet I kept putting it off because I was thinking, "but how hot could it be if Jensen isn't interested in sex?" Well I'm really glad I read it because it was a great story & I really enjoyed it, & you know what? The fact that Jensen wasn't as sexually interested in Jared as Jared was in Jensen, just seemed to make it all the more hotter (& apparently Jensen was coming along a little more than he had even thought possible!).

Jared's declaration of love to Jensen was beautiful, that he loved him no matter how that love might or might not be developed into a more sexual one. I'm glad Jared got a second chance at love, & that Jensen gets to experience a guy like Jared (because you just never know....).

Thank you for writing this!

[fufaraw]

Oh my, thank you for the comment!

I'm so glad you gave it a chance, even at the risk of lack of hotness! And yeah, Jensen turns out to be more interested in sex than he thought, as long as it's with Jared. Jensen's not a classic asexual, he's more a homoromantic demisexual, or as I like to think, he's Jared-sexual. ;)

I'm happy you enjoyed the story, and thanks for taking the time to tell me so.

[laurathelurker.livejournal.com]

Really enjoyed this. So much to love and integrated so well. You have Jared trying to heal from losing his husband. You have Jensen rediscovering and redefining his perception of his sexuality. And the ways those are intertwined with each other felt real. Then you have the ongoing case of the butcher and how that wove through everything seamlessly as well. Just really, really enjoyed all of it.

[fufaraw]

I'm so pleased at your response. It really makes me happy that all the elements worked together for you. Thanks so much for reading, and for taking the time to tell me what you liked.

[beelikej.livejournal.com]

Good story; the case was fascinating and I loved the group dynamics (professionally and privately;). I liked how you included Jared's memories and nightmares. I was so glad he found new love with Jensen. They were very sweet together.

[fufaraw]

Hi, thanks for reading, and thanks too, for leaving a comment. I'm glad you liked it!

[deezy-y.livejournal.com]

Aww, I'm all teary-eyed and sniffly.,,in a good way, of course. I really liked that there was a case to be solved during the story. The Jared and Jensen moments were truly heartfelt and special. Kudos on a great read!

[fufaraw]

Thank you for reading, and for telling me what you liked about the story. I guess...I'm glad it made you sniffle--in a good way.

[roxymissrose.livejournal.com]

I just reread this and enjoyed it just as much as the first time. Lovely, lovely work, beautiful and thought - provoking! And I *really* want Jared' s house and everything in it. I need a Beth in my life. :)

[fufaraw]

This makes me so happy! It nearly killed me, because it wanted to be one thing and I kept trying to make it something else. And it was right, all along.

But I did enjoy the food porn and the house porn. Yep, Christian and Steve (who is a gourmet cook, for real) to feed me and Beth to play decorating with sounds like a great time. Without all the mourning and murder part.

Thank you, Roxy.