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Captain Awkward #917: “How to set boundaries with people who think boundaries and hurt are manipulative? AKA Help implementing boundary advice?”

Here are your 4 new best friends:

“Okay.”
“Wow.”
“No.”
CHILLY AWKWARD SILENCE

Them: [Bigoted remark]

You: Wow. [+ maybe one of the SPLC scripts to unpack it]

Them: “It’s manipulative if you say my bigoted remarks are not okay!”

You: “Okay.” + CHILLY AWKWARD SILENCE

Them: “There would be no problem if you just laughed.”

You: “No.” + CHILLY AWKWARD SILENCE

Them: “Your problem is that you have no sense of humor.”

You: “Okay.” + CHILLY AWKWARD SILENCE

Be a broken record. Let them be offended. Let them think you’re being manipulative. Don’t engage in detail or give them reasons. If they won’t stop or escalate, say “Welp, good to see you, time to go!” & get out of there. You don’t owe them continued access to your attention. Leave the conversation and try again another day.

Whatever you do, don’t smooth it over. Let it get super awkward. Be the party pooper at the bigot party. Get a reputation for being uptight and humorless and no fun.

People have a right to their opinions, speech, and votes. You have a right to think those opinions are crap and to think less of people when they spout them. Bigots think that “everyone” thinks as they do and that their views are “simple common sense.” What bigots are looking for when they say bigoted stuff to people who (as far as they know) share their race/class/orientation/disability status/etc. is solidarity and reassurance. Deny them this reassurance and solidarity. Deny them evidence that “everyone” thinks that way. That is your power here, and it’s a pretty big one, given the way your family throws a tantrum whenever you try to use it. You’re already doing the right stuff, now it’s just about holding the line and letting be as awkward as they are making it.