Five day meme, day four
Feb. 7th, 2015 03:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fufaraw1. What is the meaning behind your LJ name?
2. What was your favourite childhood book or books?
3. What is your favourite recipe and why? Try to post the recipe if you have time.
4. What are the top 5 things on your wish list & have you done any of them?
5. What do you collect?
1. To write. When I was younger it was "to be a writer," which implies that it would be known that I was a writer, and therefore, being published. Making my living *being* a writer. I have been published, but I've never made a living at writing, and somewhere along the way I discovered I can live very well doing other things for a living, as long as I am able to write. That what I wanted--craved, needed--was to write. That other people occasionally read and respond to what I write is wonderful, of course. But when the words, images, concepts are coming and I have no time or opportunity to write them down, it's torture. As it is when I have time and opportunity, and my imagination and articulation is a wasteland, parched and blank.
2. To travel. Which I would like to do more of, certainly. I so envied the new kids in my school who moved from other places, who knew what it was like living in desert country, or mountains, or by the seashore. Who had seen other parts of the country. Students came from all over the country to study dance, music, and drama, bringing with them tales of family and home that fascinated me in their differences, and in some kernel of sameness, shared kinship, at the center of each story. Rooted in place, from infancy through college in the same town, the same state, the same house, marriage and the army at last brought travel. Three different towns while my husband was in training, then a posting in Germany, and the opportunity to experience Europe. Ironic that my parents needed help when we left the army, and my husband, kids, and I wound up in that very same state, same town, same house, for decades, until our obligations were done and we had the chance to move somewhere else. We drive a lot, now, into Canada, across the Cascades, along the coast and from lake to lake. I may never manage Europe again, but I've been there. I've been lots of places, and enjoyed the experience.
To perform. I always sang in church, and the music teacher in elementary school soon discovered my ability. She gathered six girls and turned us into a sextet, pulling out two, or three, or four of us from time to time to pad out a performance or recital at school. One of the other girls and I went to the same church, and we got taken out of school from time to time to sing--at funerals or weddings, usually. I was used to performing. Until high school and puberty, at which point I aggressively cultivated camouflage with walls and other backgrounds. Until my senior year, when I stole a comedy routine from Noel Paul Stookey of Peter, Paul, and Mary, and performed it for my mid-term Drama exam. It was so well recieved by teacher and class that I was required to repeat the performance for the full assembly of some 600-odd faculty and students. An evening or two later, at a church dinner in honor of some guest, my performance was remarked on by a fellow student, and I was pressed into performing it again, on the spot. That summer, the week-long church retreat finished up with a talent show, and I strode out onto the stage and took the microphone, holding something like 2,300 people in the palm of my hand for fourteen minutes. What a rush!
Studying hard in drama school thereafter and watching fellow students so much more gifted than I perform, understanding the casting process and really grasping for the first time what percentage of SAG members actually make a living wage, what percentage of auditions result in rejection vs.being hired--and what percentage of jobs actually go from filming to screen, what percentage of pilots go from airing to series pickups, I came face to face with the fact that many people far more gifted and talented than I will never find an audience, that I am, at best, a mediocre performer, and I don't deal at all well with rejection.
It was, surprisingly, not as difficult a dream to give up as I'd expected. I coached students for auditions, I directed amateur plays, and acted in one or two. I sang in local choirs. But I found it an easy dream to turn loose of, especially when asked to speak in front of a group, or to hostess an event, for work. Performances, all. And I had had the best training. And I am an incredibly educated, aware, demanding, and understanding audience.
4. To produce art, in either two dimensions--painting, drawing, or in three--sculpture. I fail dismally at both.
5. To be wealthy enough never to have to worry about money. I don't *want* stuff. If I had bazillions, I'd give most of it away, or put it to work supporting programs that really help people, communities, infrastructure and systems to help people. It would be more of a burden because I'd feel compelled to administer the people doing the allocation of funds, a responsibility, rather than self-liberating. But to have just enough to cover the basics, that would be so freeing. It'll never happen, but I can't stop working on it.
2. What was your favourite childhood book or books?
3. What is your favourite recipe and why? Try to post the recipe if you have time.
4. What are the top 5 things on your wish list & have you done any of them?
5. What do you collect?
1. To write. When I was younger it was "to be a writer," which implies that it would be known that I was a writer, and therefore, being published. Making my living *being* a writer. I have been published, but I've never made a living at writing, and somewhere along the way I discovered I can live very well doing other things for a living, as long as I am able to write. That what I wanted--craved, needed--was to write. That other people occasionally read and respond to what I write is wonderful, of course. But when the words, images, concepts are coming and I have no time or opportunity to write them down, it's torture. As it is when I have time and opportunity, and my imagination and articulation is a wasteland, parched and blank.
2. To travel. Which I would like to do more of, certainly. I so envied the new kids in my school who moved from other places, who knew what it was like living in desert country, or mountains, or by the seashore. Who had seen other parts of the country. Students came from all over the country to study dance, music, and drama, bringing with them tales of family and home that fascinated me in their differences, and in some kernel of sameness, shared kinship, at the center of each story. Rooted in place, from infancy through college in the same town, the same state, the same house, marriage and the army at last brought travel. Three different towns while my husband was in training, then a posting in Germany, and the opportunity to experience Europe. Ironic that my parents needed help when we left the army, and my husband, kids, and I wound up in that very same state, same town, same house, for decades, until our obligations were done and we had the chance to move somewhere else. We drive a lot, now, into Canada, across the Cascades, along the coast and from lake to lake. I may never manage Europe again, but I've been there. I've been lots of places, and enjoyed the experience.
To perform. I always sang in church, and the music teacher in elementary school soon discovered my ability. She gathered six girls and turned us into a sextet, pulling out two, or three, or four of us from time to time to pad out a performance or recital at school. One of the other girls and I went to the same church, and we got taken out of school from time to time to sing--at funerals or weddings, usually. I was used to performing. Until high school and puberty, at which point I aggressively cultivated camouflage with walls and other backgrounds. Until my senior year, when I stole a comedy routine from Noel Paul Stookey of Peter, Paul, and Mary, and performed it for my mid-term Drama exam. It was so well recieved by teacher and class that I was required to repeat the performance for the full assembly of some 600-odd faculty and students. An evening or two later, at a church dinner in honor of some guest, my performance was remarked on by a fellow student, and I was pressed into performing it again, on the spot. That summer, the week-long church retreat finished up with a talent show, and I strode out onto the stage and took the microphone, holding something like 2,300 people in the palm of my hand for fourteen minutes. What a rush!
Studying hard in drama school thereafter and watching fellow students so much more gifted than I perform, understanding the casting process and really grasping for the first time what percentage of SAG members actually make a living wage, what percentage of auditions result in rejection vs.being hired--and what percentage of jobs actually go from filming to screen, what percentage of pilots go from airing to series pickups, I came face to face with the fact that many people far more gifted and talented than I will never find an audience, that I am, at best, a mediocre performer, and I don't deal at all well with rejection.
It was, surprisingly, not as difficult a dream to give up as I'd expected. I coached students for auditions, I directed amateur plays, and acted in one or two. I sang in local choirs. But I found it an easy dream to turn loose of, especially when asked to speak in front of a group, or to hostess an event, for work. Performances, all. And I had had the best training. And I am an incredibly educated, aware, demanding, and understanding audience.
4. To produce art, in either two dimensions--painting, drawing, or in three--sculpture. I fail dismally at both.
5. To be wealthy enough never to have to worry about money. I don't *want* stuff. If I had bazillions, I'd give most of it away, or put it to work supporting programs that really help people, communities, infrastructure and systems to help people. It would be more of a burden because I'd feel compelled to administer the people doing the allocation of funds, a responsibility, rather than self-liberating. But to have just enough to cover the basics, that would be so freeing. It'll never happen, but I can't stop working on it.
